


Gone But Not Forgotten

by ami_ven



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Community: writerverse, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1286431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ami_ven/pseuds/ami_ven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Radek goes off-world, he carries something extra in his tac vest…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone But Not Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> written for LJ community "writerverse" prompt "Fotografia" (by Juanes)

Sometimes, Radek thought it would have been better if Elizabeth had died.

It was a terrible thought, but it was true, and Radek had never made a habit of lying to himself. But it made his heart ache to think that Elizabeth’s— he thought of it as her ‘soul’, when he was feeling particularly sentimental, but it was at least her consciousness, everything that had made Elizabeth the person he had known— was floating somewhere in the depths of space, alone and adrift.

At least he could take some small measure of comfort that he had played a part in ensuring that Elizabeth had not been alone while she was on Atlantis, before the end. She had been very alone in the beginning.

Even with the care they took in planning their Expedition, nothing on Earth could have prepared them for the Pegasus Galaxy. Their disastrous arrival was only the first of an increasing list of difficult decisions Elizabeth was forced to make before they had reestablished contact with the SGC. Of them all, Radek often thought that Elizabeth had the hardest time adjusting to their new home.

She was a diplomat to the core, and she had truly believed that every conflict could have a nonviolent solution. Only, this galaxy didn’t work that way. The Genii, for all their radicalism and tendencies for back-stabbing, were at least human and Elizabeth’s efforts with them had done a lot to bring about their current peace. And she had made peaceful trading relationships with a dozen other worlds, created a place for Atlantis in the social structure of the Pegasus Galaxy’s human population.

But the Wraith didn’t negotiate. They conquered and consumed, and there was nothing Elizabeth’s negotiations could do about that. With the Wraith, it was kill or be eaten, and she had had to make a lot of wide-reaching decisions with no other council than her own. And Elizabeth did not have an easy time living with the war they’d unwillingly entered, especially one that they saw no way of winning without something very near to genocide— and hopefully not their own.

And she had no one to turn to here. Sheppard and McKay, the highest ranking military officer and chief scientist, were no help at all. Quite apart from being her immediate subordinates, they had taken to the Pegasus Galaxy like ducks to water. They had the same black and white code of ethics as most of the natives, while Elizabeth still saw every shade of gray. Teyla could sympathize as a female leader, but she was also a warrior and could never quite understand Elizabeth’s reluctance to fight.

Nor could Elizabeth have shared any of her misgivings with the IOA. The original Expedition had agreed to present a united front to Earth, regardless of their actual opinions, but Radek wondered if any of them, Elizabeth included, had known what effect that would have on her personally.

Radek knew.

In any other circumstances, he would never have approached her. He was not particularly ambitious (which helped, working with Rodney on a daily basis) or even particularly attractive (the compliment he’d gotten most often was ‘adorable’ and he’d learned to live with it). But those qualities had made him just what Elizabeth needed, someone who could give without wanting anything in return.

Radek hadn’t asked for anything, but she’d given him something anyway— herself. A small part, certainly, and one he could not admit to having, but a true and genuine piece of her heart. Elizabeth cared about him. Perhaps she did not love him, was not in love with him, as he was with her, but he did not care. She let him see her weaknesses, when no one else could. She let herself fall apart in his arms, and allowed him to help put her back together. 

But Radek had found he didn’t want to share, not something as personal and precious as that. He gladly kept their secret, locked up tight in his own heart.

Even after Elizabeth was gone.

He could easily believe that she would sacrifice herself for Atlantis— not once, but twice, giving more than her life for the people she cared about— but sometimes even long afterward, he still forgot she wasn’t there. More than once he had to bite his tongue to stop himself from suggesting they ask Elizabeth’s opinion on a proposed experiment. More than once, he found himself hitting his radio to call her, not even realizing he’d done it until the computer replied with the ‘request denied’ negative-beep. More than once, he’d woken in the middle of the night and reached for her, only to feel cool sheets beneath his fingers.

Radek finished adjusting the straps of his tac vest and sat down on the bench in the locker room. He reached into the tiny pocket under his radio, right over his heart, and pulled out an old plastic film canister. It held some of his tinier and more delicate tools, so it had a practical purpose in his gear, but it also held a tightly-rolled photograph. Radek smoothed it out, gazing at the image of Elizabeth, hair in disarray but caught mid-laugh. He didn’t know if he’d been the one making her laugh then, he was just glad someone had been able to.

He did not think Elizabeth could laugh, anymore. Radek hoped that they were right, that her Replicator form had completely shut down in the vacuum of space and that her consciousness was at something equivalent to a coma in a biological body. He hoped she didn’t know that they’d left her behind, this time.

Yes, she was still alive, in some form still recognizable as Elizabeth Weir, but they had still lost her. Radek had still lost her.

Someone knocked on the open locker room door. “Hey, Radek,” said Lorne, already in his mission gear. “You okay?”

Radek carefully tucked the picture back into its container, and stood up. “I am fine, Evan,” he said. “Let’s go.”

THE END


End file.
